Monday, April 22, 2013
We knew it was imminent. It just took a little extra time this year. Poor ole Punxutawney Phil has had to go into the witness protection program. But, I think we can finally, safely say that spring as arrived.
And, by the way, WTF Al Gore?
The signs are everywhere. In fact, I've been practically ambushed by some sweet reminders that warmer weather is indeed upon us.
Just yesterday my gal pal and I ventured out on a walk. It was still a tad chilly. We even remarked about the small amount of condensation hovering in the air. Not rain, thank The Lord. Just a little dew. And, just like that, a rather large amount of "dew" landed on my head. Only it wasn't that kind of dew. It was doo. As in bird doo. A freaking bird unloaded his morning meal on my head. Anyone who knows me knows that I hate birds. And, in the moment I felt compelled to share this fact with the entire neighborhood.
"Did a bird just shit on my head?"
"Oh. Ohhh my god. Yep hahahah! Sure did!"
I began to throw a fantastical fit, somewhat of a cross between a 2-year old tantrum and a grown woman going into anaphylactic shock.
"I FUCKING HATE BIRDS", I shrilled as I stomped around and attempted to wipe the bird dung off of my head. I was entirely unaware of the 2 men unloading a truck in the driveway across the street.
"Heyyyy. What's up?"
And then we giggled and ran off like a couple of teenaged twits.
Today's walk started off just as comically. No sooner had we exited the door of my house did a prehistorically sized wasp descend upon my friend. She screamed and ran as I bobbed and weaved. Apparently he fancied her because "he", I'm just guessing here, chased her off the front porch and into the drive way before she had noticed that he was hot on her tail. Next I know she's off like a shot into the street screaming, "HE'S FUCKING CHASING ME!!" Not the first time she's said those words. Again, I'm just guessing here.
I couldn't help but wonder if there wasn't bacon or jelly beans in the middle of the street based upon the velocity in which she moved. Nope. Just another sign of spring.
So, today I figured I would make it official. I would attempt to mow my yard. I was relatively apprehensive only because I was certain my mower would not start.
I geared up and put on my iPod for a little motivational music.I figured I'd need all the help I could get. I kept the mower in the garage for my attempt to start it to avoid any and all ridicule. Only the neighbor boy had other ideas.
The little darling was perched on his big wheel at the end of my driveway. I'm gonna guess him somewhere around 4 or 5. He was mouthing something to me but I feigned deafness thanks to my iPod. I'm not a fan of this kid. He's mouthy and rude. So, as per normal I ignored the little bastard and went in for the kill. I stopped just short of dislocating my shoulder and shoved the mower a couple of feet. You know, for good measure.
He was still there, taunting me.
I tried again. To no avail.
He was still trying to communicate with me. Though I played dumb, I got it. He was telling me that it needed gas. You think I didn't think of that you little wanker? Oh wait. Crap! I looked into the gas tank. Yeah, okay, it needed to be topped off. But, I'm sure that wasn't the problem. I only filled it up because that was my original plan. Had nothing to do with Nosy McNeighbor boy.
Lo and behold. It started.
I made the mistake of removing one of my ear phones only to hear him say, "told you it needed gas" as he triumphantly peddled home.
Fortunately the smell of fresh cut grass improved my mood. That is after all the surest sign that spring has arrived.
Yes, folks. It's here. Chalk full of bugs, bird crap and precious little children, running amuck and terrorizing the neighborhood. Wait, why was it again I was so excited about spring?