Wednesday, October 12, 2011

I hate me right now!

Yesterday I indulged in a rather gluttonous self-loathing episode.  You may be wondering why I would consider this to be indulgent, so, let me explain.  I am a firm believer that you have to needle at yourself, pick yourself apart and tear yourself down in order to figure out why you are so unhappy and then you can move forward and formulate a plan to fix it.  I do recognize that this sounds a bit drastic.  But, as they say, the truth hurts.

Now, I in no way was able to conquer yesterdays session on my own.  My sisters and my lifelong best friend were "lucky" enough to play witness and counselor to me.  And, thank goodness for that.  Things were getting way too intense.

It all started when I spilled my Coke Zero all over my shorts as I was driving to the YMCA.  "Julie! You stupid f-----g idiot!"  What makes that statement even worse is that I hate myself for saying such things, to myself.  Figure that one out.  I mean, I am human after all.  Accidents do happen.  Guess I need to lighten up a bit.  Easier said than done.  I will never ascertain whether or not being a perfectionist is a good thing or a bad thing.  I think it's a lethal combination of both.

Unfortunately I think that most of us are guilty of beating ourselves up more often than we should.  We are all our own worst enemies.  I do know of someone who is very comfortable in her own skin.  In fact I've never heard her say one bad thing about herself.  I honestly don't think it's conceit.  I think she is genuinely happy with herself.  Who knows.  Maybe it's all for show.  If it is then she's doing a bang up job of it.

So, I'll needle a bit for you.  Allow me to pick apart the top 5 things I hate about me right now, if you will.  I'm stopping my list short at 5 because if  I expounded then you wouldn't like me either. 


1.  I am fiscally ignorant

It's not so much that I don't know how to be frugal, because when push comes to shove, I know how to make a budget, and how to stick to it.  But the almighty dollar and I have had a long time love/hate relationship. 

As a child and even as a teen I was spoiled, to say the least.  I think I may have actually believed that money grew on trees.  As a parent I want nothing more than to be able to give my children the life that my parents gave me.  Unfortunately life circumstances make that a bit of a stretch.  But, sometimes I find it nearly impossible to tell my boys no.  For instance, my oldest son and I went to a pumpkin stand around the corner last week hoping to load up on the giant sized pumpkins and mums that we had eyeballed.  So, we each grabbed the biggest 2 pumpkins we could find and took them to the table to put down so that we could go find the world's biggest mums.  It was then that I heard the Pumpkin Stand Overlord tell my son "That's $30."

 Um, sorry...30 what now?

"$30.00?  They're $15.00 each?  Oooohhh, um, yeah I don't think...." and then I saw his eyes.  Oh come on, don't do that to me.  Yes they are awesomely huge and yes we've been talking about this all day, but.... "Okay, then.  That's it for us."

"Mom!  Didn't you want some flowers too?"

"Oh, no, honey.  This is great for now!"  Yeah, how much do you suppose those are?  Do you realize how many groceries I could buy at Aldis for $30.00?

I realize that I did not teach him a good lesson here about the value of a dollar.  But, I just want my kids to be able to get what they want from time to time.  So, "hey, kids, we're having cereal for dinner every night this week!  Isn't that awesome?" because your mom's a boob.

2.  I'm middle -aged

Yes, thank you, I'm completely aware that there is absolutely nothing I can do about this.  But, that doesn't mean that I have to like it.  I just wish someone would pass along a cheat sheet to those of us who are heading into the trenches.  It would be nice to know what to expect. 

There are certain bio-chemical changes that are taking place at this ever-evolving phase of my life.  In particular I noticed a certain something this week that put me into a bit of a tail spin. 

For the past couple of weeks I had been noticing a rather peculiar, uh, "fragrance" after I had worked out.  I had targeted the culprit on a sports bra that I had worn.  I had 2 of the same kind and they were both rather old, so I tossed them.  Problem solved.  Or so I thought.  A day later I was at work and had been doing a significant amount of physical labor, so, I was hot.  At one point I leaned my head in to my shoulder to scratch my nose and BINGO!  There was the smell!  But, I wasn't wearing a sports bra, I.....ooooohhh, the common denominator here is....drum roll  B fucking O.  Pardon my French.

What a bunch of crap!  I have never had body odor ever in my life.  I've never worn deodorant.  Well, I do now.  I suppose I can expect a fresh batch of acne sometime next week.  Fabulous!  Not.

3. I'm unfulfilled at work

Don't get me wrong, I am entirely grateful to have a job.  And, it's not that I don't like my job, I actually really do.  I enjoy the work and in particular I really like my staff.  They are the main reason that I look forward to going to work.  It's just that I wonder if I'm not living up to my potential.  I wonder if I haven't settled and gotten lazy. 

Retail is my gig and has been for 20 years now.  But I have a lot of creative energy that I think I am letting go to waste.  I find myself using the "I don't have time" or "I'm too tired" excuses for not pursuing my creative ambitions.  But, realistically, I have to have a guaranteed paycheck.  Don't we all?

Last week I heard parts of a speech that Steve Jobs had given at a commencement several years back.  The jist of it was that if today was your last day would you be happy knowing that you were going to do what you were planning?  If after several days of asking yourself this question it's not, then you need to reevaluate your situation. 

I do feel that this blog has opened up a lot of that energy for me so I thank you for even taking the time to read it.  Who knows, maybe it will lead to more.

4.  I'm plump

I use this word because I really hate the "F" word.  The three letter one.  I am rather fond of the four letter one.  Anyways, this is the bane of my existence.  And, I am the only one who can do anything about it.

Argh!!  It's so frustrating battling the bulge.  My biggest problem is that I am a stress eater.  It's been a stressful couple of years, folks.  I know why I eat.  I know how this works.  But, the damn brain in my head has learned that eating something generally bad for me will make me feel better, if only temporarily. 

I'm a smart woman.  I've run multi-million dollar businesses.  So why should this small thing elude me so?  It makes me so mad!  It's as if I need to have an on going conversation with myself to keep myself from taking that next comfort bite.  But, then people might think I'm losing my ever-loving mind.  Not sure which is worse.

I remember Oprah saying, "if you change your way of thinking you can change your life".  Hasn't exactly worked for her either. 

5.  I'm single

Well, here's a simple summation:  1 + 2 + 3 + 4 = 5.  If I don't like me then why would anyone else?  But, then again, this is just a temporary thing.  Until next month when I hate me again.

It's not that I really even want a relationship.  I appreciate being on my own.  I like my space.  I don't particularly want someone up in my business 24/7.  But, I've said it before, I'd just be happy to have the company of a man every now and again. 

This isn't a single ad, either.  I mean if someone were to actually to respond as such then sorry about their life!  I'm just stating the facts.  Living in a small town makes the whole dating thing complicated, and, that's putting it nicely.  Try finding a man in this town who is close in age, doesn't mind that I have young kids, hasn't "dated" any of my friends and doesn't mind a relatively neurotic, pain-in-the-ass, middle-aged, plump and fiscally ignorant woman.  And, there are several other qualifications that I would like to add to this list, but, beggars can't be choosers.


Well, if we are already friends then I hope we still can be after all of this.  And, if you would like to be my friend after reading this blog, then, I like you already.  As for my family, sorry, you're stuck with me.

So, a new day means a fresh perspective.  It really does help to get it all out.  I highly reccomend it.  I'm not saying that I am now in love with myself or anything of the sort.  It's more of a like thing at this point.

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