Friday, October 7, 2011

More Adventures with Liz and Stella

Yes, they are back, in full form and loaded with movie quotes!  And, today I am dedicating this one to a certain birthday girl...she knows who she is.  But, the question is, will she know all of the quotes?

Best friends Stella and Liz continue their search for Mr. Right, however misguided it may be.  This time they have taken matters into their own hands and have set each other up for a double blind date.......


"Whose idea was this anyway?" Stella quizzed her friend as they crossed the threshold to their doom, a.k.a. Stanley's Ristorante and Nightclub, their current favorite hot spot. 

"Uh, yours, if I'm not mistaken.  You keep telling me about Boy Wonder that you bump into every day at Starbucks.  Tell me again why he's my 'type' and not yours?"  Liz still hadn't quite figured out why her best friend was passing this guy on to her.  Frankly, it ticked her off a little.  "I mean if he's Cro-Magnon man then you realize, of course, that we can never be friends again." 

"Drink your juice, Shelby.  He's very nice.  I told you, he's just a little more man then I can handle.  And, he's gorgeous."

"Well you had left out that part!" Dammit!  She's going to HATE Cameron.  Which was Liz's intention.  Once back in college they had set one another up with joke blind dates.  She figured they were doing it again for a little entertainment. 

"And why is it that you think I'm going to be interested in my date?"  Stella had a feeling her gal pal was up to no good.

"He's very fashionable.  And....frugal.  Very frugal.  In fact, pardon my French, but, if you stuck a lump of coal up Cameron's ass in 2 weeks you'd have a diamond."

"There's nothing wrong with being fiscally responsible, Liz.  But that isn't necessarily something I look for in a man."  She's definitely up to something.

Cameron Workman was a women's apparel showroom owner at the Chicago Market.  Liz bought several lines from him for her boutique.  He lived under the guise of a straight male, but, anyone who met him knew better.

"Right this way, ladies."  They could hardly see their way over the statuesque hostess.  "Here you are.  Shall I bring your guests to the table when they arrive?" she smiled almost sympathetically at the two girls as she handed them menus.

"Sure, that'd be great." Liz snatched the menu out of her hand.  Not unusually her stomach was growling at ear piercing levels.  "I'm starving!  As God is my witness I'll never be hungry again!"

"That'll do, pig.  That'll do.  Remember, Carl will be here any minute.  Try to hide your insatiable appetite at least until your second date."  Stella was enviously bitter about Liz's ability to eat whatever and whenever she pleased.  At  5 feet 2 inches, Stella had always had to watch what she ate very closely.  She was just one stomach flu away from her goal weight and she wasn't about to blow it now.

"Second date?  That's very optimistic of you."  Liz was getting nervous.  Oh good lord.  "They're here!"  How was she going to explain herself?  "Fasten your seatbelt.  It's going to be a bumpy night."

"Uh, Cameron, say hello to my little friend, Stella."  Liz thought a little humor might ease the blow. 

"Stella, damn glad to meet you.  Liz talks about you all the time but she forgot to tell me that you were sooo fabulous!"  


"Oh, well thank you!  It's a pleasure to meet you."  Stella was grinning, genuinely.  She found him sexy, but she was always drawn to the metrosexual type for some reason.  That was the main reason she wasn't attracted to Carl.  He was a bulky athletic-type. "And, Carl, this is Liz."

"Hey, babe.  So, you wanna dance or would you rather just suck face?" Carl's laugh was reminicent of a gorilla's.  "I'm just kiddin' ya.  Sort of.  Am I right, brotha'?" Carl practically knocked Cameron over with his elbow nudge.  "And, by the way, does Barry Manilow know that you raid his wardrobe?"

Cameron sneered at the ape and took his seat next to Stella.

"May I get you gentlemen a drink?" the hostess inquired.

"I'll have what she's having."  Cameron nodded at Stella's cosmopolitan.  Of course.  Liz's head dropped.

"First things first, where's the shitter?"  Okay, so maybe Carl was a bit of a Neanderthal.  "Stella!  Hey, Stella!" Carl was bellowing from across the restaurant.  "Beer me!"  Stella was finding it difficult to contain her laughter.

"Carl, so glad you found your way back to the table.  You're not too smart are you?  I like that in a man."  Liz's contempt was evident to everyone but Carl.  "So, why don't you tell me a little about yourself."  Like she really cared.

"Well, I've got a head for business and a bod for sin.  Is there anything wrong with that? I like to think of myself as confident, but I guess some people might say that I'm cocky."

"Oh, I'm sure nobody says that about you, Carl.  As far as you know."  Liz was done.  Check please.

The foursome were temporarily quiet as they researched their menus.  Cameron was scouring for anything under $10.  "So, Stell belle, you wanna share something?"  Oh, cute!  He's already nicknaming me!  Poor little stupidly naive Stella thought to herself.

Carl noticed that everyone else had already placed their napkins on their lap.  He grabbed his but immediately began to struggle with the nature of it's shape.  "Huh. What do you make of this?"

"Let me see it." Cameron quipped.  "Well, you could make a hat, you could make a broach, you could make a pterodactyl."  He snorted at his own joke.

"Oh, my gosh, you are so silly!"  Stella was equally pleased.

"I know, right?  My mom has always told me I should be on Broadway.  She's my number one fan!"

Liz couldn't take it anymore. She could see that her girl was actually buying his 'straight' schtick.  "Stella,
let's go to the ladies room. K?"

"Honey, I can see that you are enjoying Cam's company, but, you do realize that he's gay, don't you?"  Liz could tell by her expression that Stella was floored.  "You can't really be surprised by that!"

"Liz, if I woke up tomorrow with my face sewn to the carpet I wouldn't be any more surprised than I am right now.  I just thought he was sassy, in a manly way.  Oh, God.  He really is gay?" Stella was disheartened. 

"Sorry. You know I love you sweetie.  I thought we were doing the blind date thing, you know?"  Liz felt like a complete jerk.

"It's a good thing I love you too.  "Because love means never having to say you're sorry.  And, I was positive we were doing the blind date thing!"  Stella was beaming with pride. 

The girls fell apart giggling.  "Okay, okay. Let's blow this joint.  We came, we saw, we kicked ass.  Now let's get the hell out of dodge!"  Stella felt her inner Bond-girl kick in.  "We need an exit strategy."

Just then Leggy McHostess curled her way in around the bathroom door.  "I figured you gals would need a ticket out of here.  Follow me."  Who would have known that they would find a commrade in her?

As the girls hunkered down behind their new found best friend they couldn't help but notice that their dates seemed to be deep in conversation.  "Well that's interesting.  Looks like the start of a beautiful friendship.  Never saw that one coming!" Liz whispered.  "Homo Erectus and Homo Suspectus make nice with one another!"

The two girls harmoniously blurted out in hysterics and made a b-line for the door.  Liz couldn't help herself and turned around and blew a kiss at the boys.  "Hasta la vista, baby!"

Our girls took off down the street arm in arm to a destination yet unknown.  Maybe next time!

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