I have said and thought it so many times over the past couple of years, but, it merits repeating. In fact I want to scream it as loud as I possibly can, I HATE CANCER!!!!!!!!!! Cancer is the most hideously evil mortification of man.
If I were given the choice of my fate I would rather be shot in the head. It would be quick and painless. My soul could rest easy knowing that my family did not have to endure the excruciating heartache of watching me suffer unholy pain and my body slowly decay.
But, life is not fair. And, cancer is not selective. I feel very strongly, however, that it has selected the wrong person this time.
In a lucid moment yesterday, my mother said to me, "I hate that you girls are having to take care of me." I curled up next to her on the bed.
"I know, mom. I'm so sorry." I could not control my whimper.
It broke my heart to hear her say that because I know it's true. It is so grossly unfair that this once strong-willed and proud lady should have to sustain the pain and humility of having cancer eat away at her body and spirit.
It is unfair.
Every day I marvel at the ignorantly blissful people that I see who go about their lives as if everything is okay. How nice for them. But, it's not okay. Not in my world. Not in my family's world.
My father's heart is shattering as he watches his beloved slip away from him. All the while he doesn't understand how or why this is happening because his mind has betrayed him.
My mother would tell me to pull myself up by my bootstraps. "Come on, now." she would say. "This too shall pass."
Yes, it will. It will pass. And it will be agonizing. There will be an indescribable void in my family.
It is so completely unfair.
I have not been mindful enough of my sweet little boys. But, children have a very innocent and delicate way of reminding us that they need us.
"Mommy," my nine year old quizzed, "why were you angry at us?"
This was a few days ago when my boys and I were on dinner duty at my parents house. I had lost my patience with my children because I was feeling frazzled. They both needed my attention as did my parents and the dishes and the dinner table and.....I basically snapped.
"I am so sorry, sweetie. I'm not doing a very good job of managing my emotions. I'm just sad and scared. There's just been a lot going on and I need to not take it out on you. I am so sorry." I began to sob.
"I know, mommy." he said as he rubbed my arm. "I've had a pretty bad year too."
Dear God. It is so unfair for a little boy to feel this way.
I felt horrible. I can not let them get lost in the shuffle. This is inexplicable to them. They should not have to understand this at such a young age. They have been through so much already. I have to do a better job of protecting them.
And, then my man-child said this to me, "Mommy, when you are old I promise that I will take care of you."
I hope he does not have to.
My five year old son has been getting into trouble at school recently. The final straw was when he threw numerous screeching fits for the babysitter over the weekend. After he had spent an adequate amount of time in time out, I went to talk with him. I asked him, "Baby, are you mad? Are you mad at the world because Mommy and Daddy got divorced?"
"Are you mad because Ninny is sick? Is that why you're acting out?"
"Then, what is it? Can you tell me? What do you want?"
"I want you." he was very clear about this. "Are you going to die?"
UNFAIR! My child should not have to worry about this.
No, no one told me that life would always be fair. I don't expect it to be. We all have our crosses to bare. We all have our "stuff".
I can whine and complain about Karma and all of the bad s**t that has consumed our lives for long enough. But, I have these two little bright spots that make this life a very fair thing to me. For that I am eternally grateful.