Well now, that title really conjures up some nasty images, eh? Never fear, I really do have a point. I'll get to it in a bit.
But, first and foremost, I must apologize for my lengthy absence. I have no valid excuses, other than I have a severe case of brain frazzle. I can't seem to think clearly or even get out an intelligible sentence as of late. Not even sure if I'm making any sense as I write. But, the fantastic thing about writing is a little something called proof reading.
Life comes at all of us a million-point-one miles an hour. The difference in our experiences is how we manage it. I don't think I've been managing it all that well. So, rather than do or say something completely asinine or, god forbid I have a complete mental meltdown in some public venue, I have opted to shut up and hole up. It's a relatively juvenile form of coping, but, it works for me.
Except for one little glitch. In spending more-than-normal time in private I am, in turn, at one with my thoughts. Not necessarily a good thing. Rather, a potentially precarious situation. You see, I tend to, um, over think things a bit. I like to worry.
So, it's your lucky day. I intend to use my current form of therapy, blogging, to "cleanse" my brain. To purge, if you will, my anxiety riddled mind.
We all have our worries. The ones that keep us up at night. The ones that creep in in the middle of what was a good day and tear it to shreds. Some relevant, some not so much.
I, however, make worrying an art form. I'm very, very good at it. I'm not saying I'm proud, just stating the facts. Fortunately I have very low blood pressure.
So, currently I am consumed with: a few moles that look a little suspicious; why my 5 year old's 2 front teeth have not started coming in yet; filing my taxes....don't judge; if my friends still like me because I never call; if my boyfriend still likes me now that he's REALLY getting to know me; if my ex has taken the dogs to the vet; if I'll ever find time to clean up my yard; how elaborate of a party do I need to have for a 10 year old; is Ben really going to choose Courtney; finances....BIG one; my children, my sisters, my nieces and nephew, and, most of all, my parents.
Welcome to the looney bin.
And, like the proverbial wart, I feel as though I might explode. Sorry about that.
I come from a long line of worriers. My mother, she is the Grand Dame of worriers. She is not content unless she has something current to worry about. Good thing she had four daughters. Plenty of material there.
It is an absolute amazement and such a gift that my mom is still here. She is fighting her cancer with every speck of strength that she has left. However, she is extremely anxious. When you ask her what she is so anxious about she can not come up with an answer. My sisters and I and mom's care takers all try to put her mind at ease. We tell her to relax, that there's nothing she HAS to do or even worry about. To no avail.
The other day in a relatively clear moment she said to me, "I'm so apprehensive.". I asked her why she thought that was. She simply said, "I guess you would be when you're about to die."
And there it was, the very reason that I have been so ridiculously anxious. I mean, I knew it. Deep down. It just took a little mother's wisdom to remind me.
Mom has always said, this too shall pass. I know I've shared that before, but it's more relevant than ever. Yes, it will. She will. And, I can't help but worry about that. It is an overwhelmingly troubling reality. So, I now recognize that I have packed my brain with somewhat mundane worries to cover up the one anxiety that could and will consume me with grief.
I certainly don't expect to stop worrying any time soon. There's no quick fix. But, I did recently read something that basically said to embrace your troubles because they are shaping your future. Hmmm. Makes sense. Okay. I'll sure give it the old college try. But, I make no promises.