Mirror mirror on the wall, who's that fatty standing there? Oh crap. That's me! We're here again?
Yep. The road to fitness is a long one for most. For me, it's been a very hilly one. Lots and lots of winding, curvy roads with numerous peaks and valleys. You name a diet plan, odds are, I've tried it. It's freaking exhausting. I have searched high and low for the secret to weight loss and I have failed again and again. No, wait, that's not true. I have found the secret to weight loss. All one million trillion of them. And they all work. In spite of myself I have lost weight. Many times. What I haven't found is the secret to keeping it off. Oh, wow! That was an impressive collective moan I just heard. You're all with me on this one, right?
So, in chronological order, here are the greatest hits of my health and wellness journey:
1. I was 12, in the 8th grade, and Richard Simmons helped me lose my first 35 lbs. I remember riding my mother's stationary bike while doing my facial exercises...say your vowels while stretching your face a wide as possible with each letter. You're doing it right now, aren't you?
2. My sophomore year in high school is when Slimfast was introduced. They even made slim fast smoothies at the TCBY. My dad and I would "treat" ourselves to one once a week. I think I lost about 15 pounds. And gained it all back just in time for my junior year.
3. 1989, my sophomore year in college is when I tried the Diet Center. My dad had been successful on it. He neglected to tell me about the painful constipation he suffered with it. I understand why. I lost 8 lbs. on the plan and another 5 shortly after I quit.
4. The summer before my junior year I discovered Nutri System. They had storefronts where you bought their foods and went to meetings. I did very well on it. I lost 30 pounds and got a boyfriend! Isn't it amazing though how after the new romance glow wears off those pounds seem to creep back on so stinking easily?
5. 1993, single girl in Chicago hits the local Jenny Craig. Much like my Nutri System experience, it worked well. And I got another boyfriend! And, voila! The magical disappearing/reappearing weight made a comeback.
6. 1995, lost the boyfriend, sought revenge. But I did it on my own this time. Hard work, healthy eating and exercise. Who knew? I lost 40 lbs. Take that!
7. 1996 I moved back home. I was single and plump. So, I took matters into my own hands again. I worked off another 25 lbs. and this time I got myself a fiancé!
8. 2003, Married life, baby weight, stress, blah, blah...time to shed 30 pounds. But, hey let's do something different this time! How about sneaking a prescription over the Mexican border? Great idea. Thank you, phentermine. :)
9. 2009 hubs heads to Afghanistan, perfect opportunity to do it for the last freaking time in your life, woman! Hello Weight Watchers. I also became a runner and dropped 45 lbs.!
There are others that I didn't mention because they were just blips on the radar. For instance Susan Powter's "Stop the Insanity". Yeah, let's talk about insane. I even delved into a couple of late night infomercial plans. Desperate times, people.
So, now, here we are in 2011. What I don't understand is that I know so many women who have gone through divorces and shed weight like a hooker drops clothes. But not me. I never came down with a case of divorcorexia. Not even a slight one. The one contagion that I would welcome into my blood stream and it skips right on past me. Instead I developed a scorching case of gottashoveasmuchfoodasicaninmyfacearhea. Steer clear of this one. It's a doozy.
So I guess the bottom line is whether or not I can be happy at this weight. And the answer is no. I know what it feels like to be healthy. That's really all I want. To feel good in my own skin. So off I will go on another road to fitness. I just hope this one's no so steep. I'm getting too old for this crap.