Sunday, September 4, 2011


I am officially old.  Today I bought a pill organizer.  And, not just your average, compact pill organizer.  Oh no, we're talking the mack daddy pill organizer with compartments for every day of the week roomy enough to fill with half a roll of quarters.  It even has a built in cutter.  I made the command decision to buy one not just because I am an organizational freak (which I am) but mainly because my vitamin, supplement and prescription pill bottles were starting to consume my bathroom vanity.

My son watched in amazement the other day as I began my morning ritual of dispensing my daily dose.  "Dang, Mom.  What are all those for?"
"Well, I'll tell ya.  These two are fish oil supplements.  They help with my dry eyes and are also good for my heart."
"Do, they taste like fish?"
"Nope.  No fish burps even."
"Yeah.  These 2 help with my stiff joints...because I'm old."
"Oh, yeah."
"This is a multi-vitamin.  This is the most important one of all, my "happy pill".  This is for allergies.  And, this one helps me not feel bloated."
"Bloated?  Ohhhh.  You mean like the fish on Nemo?"

For those of you who aren't familiar with it, thirtysomething was a prime time show that aired in the late 80s and early 90s.  It examined the lives of 7 friends in their 30s.  It had a cult-like group of followers, myself included.  I was in my early 20s and I wanted nothing more than to be thirty something.  I wanted to be a yuppie with 2 beautiful children and a ridiculously hot husband like Ken Olin.  We would have a perfect house in the suburbs and we would be fantastically happy.  When I actually made it into my thirties, all I wanted was to be 20 something again.  Someone forgot to tell me about the responsibility that goes along with having those beautiful children and maintaining that perfect house.  And, I don't know if anyone else has seen Ken Olin lately, but, let's just say he's definitely "healthier" than he used to be.  What are you gonna do?

Oprah Winfrey did a fabulous job of glamorizing being a forty something woman.  She encouraged women to anticipate being in their 40s and to not be ashamed of it.  Thanks to her show it is no longer taboo for women to talk openly about aging and even about menopause.  Now I am not yet a victim of "the change", but it is on the horizon.  I was recently witness to the life cycle of a hot flash.  I was mid-conversation with a friend of mine when suddenly she peeled off her jacket and then her button front shirt.  She was left in just a camisole.  I watched in awe (and horror) as her face went from flesh tone to tomato red in less than 60 seconds.  Next came the flop sweat.  Her face, neck and chest were completely moist and the back of her hair was sopped.  And, then, almost as fast as it came on, it stopped.  Dear lord.  Really?  is this what I have to look forward to as a fifty something woman?  Can't wait.

A few months back I had to get my eyeglass prescription renewed. Talk about a rude awakening!  Shortly after I got them I was seated next to my good friend's husband at a dinner event.  "I like your new glasses."  I wasn't sure if he was being facetious with me or not, as it's hard to tell with him.  "Can I try them on?"
"Sure."  Good luck with that.
"Holy s*#t!  It's like being on a carnival ride!"
"They're verilux lenses."  I was quick to defend.
"It's a nicer word for trifocals."  Just saying it made me quiver.  What the heck has happened to my life?  I do not feel like I am middle-aged.  But, here I am!  Wearing trifocals, loading up on pills and supplements, crossing my legs when I sneeze and "dressing my age".  All of the things that I used to make fun of as I watched my mother go through it. 

It's not really all that bad.  If I could go back to my 30s or even my 20s would I?  Not likely.  I appreciate where I am because of the experience that I have gained.  I would be interested in telling my younger self a thing or 2, like sunburns really do lead to wrinkles and you really are better off dating nice boys and everything will be OK.  It really will.

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